Welcome to the best (and possibly slowest) 2-5 No Limit Hold’em poker game on this side of the internet. Here are our house rules – subject to change without notice, reason, or mercy.

Play nice, read the rules, and remember: fun first, chips second!

1. Blinds and Buy-In

• Blinds are $2/$5.
• Buy-in is minimum $200, maximum $1,000 (unless everyone agrees to chaos).
• Rebuys and add-ons welcome anytime your stack cries for help.
• The table max changes based on the action of the table. The table max changes to the highest stack count on the table. This feature allows people to fight against some bully large stacks. If the highest chips tack on the table is $3,000 then any player can top up or buy in to that max.

2. The Golden Etiquette

• Act in turn. (Pretending to think before it’s your turn makes you look mysterious, but also annoys everyone.)
• Verbal is binding. If you say “all-in” while sneezing, it counts. Stay quiet if unsure.
• Don’t splash the pot. This isn’t Hollywood.
• Cards speak. Even if you can’t.
• One chip in without announcing is a CALL. Meaning if you throw in a $100 chip, but the blinds are 2-5 and nobody else raised before that, it's a CALL, not a RAISE. You know who you are, please stop doing that.

3. Clock Calling

• Calling the clock is legal, but don’t be a villain:
• Reasonable time allowed. People have actual decisions sometimes.
• If you’re abusing the clock to pressure friends, expect table-wide roasting.
• Rule of thumb: if the player looks confused, let them breathe. If they’re scrolling TikTok, call clock.
• The dealer will turn on the clock and press start, you will have 60 seconds to decide, if you don't, your hand is mucked, no questions asked.

4. Table Banter

• Friendly needling is encouraged.
• Personal insults, politics, and bad beats whining will earn you fake sympathy and real judgment.
• Complaining about luck? That’s called poker. Welcome.

5. Run It Twice

• Allowed if both players agree. Flip it or don’t, just decide before you deal.
• Running it three times? Let’s not get weird.

6. Table Talk During Hands

• Players in the hand: zip it.
• Railbirds can talk but must avoid influencing decisions (or face playful banishment).

7. Phone Usage

• Phones at the table allowed for:
  • Music.
  • Messaging.
  • Googling what “gutshot” means.
• Not allowed for:
  • Coaching.
  • Real-time solver analysis (unless you’re donating tonight).

8. Straddles & Side Bets

• UTG straddle? Sure. Button straddle? Sure. Just announce.
• Side bets allowed, but no complaining if they outsize your poker wins.

9. Dealer’s Word is (Mostly) Final

• If in doubt, dealer settles it. If dealer is involved, use majority vote.
• Or just rock-paper-scissors.

10. Rule Changes

• These rules are subject to change without warning, probably mid-hand, especially if someone with chips writes a new one.
• Suggestions welcome. Ridiculous suggestions appreciated.

11. No Post-Hand Deals – Ever

• Strictly forbidden to bet people out of hands and then make a deal after the fact.
• This isn’t backyard blackjack. If you bet someone out, you win the pot – no renegotiation, no chopping after action.
• Remember: the Poker Gods themselves forbade such nonsense when they gave man the first deck of cards. Don’t anger them (or your table mates).

12. The Championship Belt – Respect It, Earn It, Deliver It

• The Championship Belt isn’t just a trophy – it’s a symbol of dominance, luck, and poor calls that somehow worked out.
• The belt is awarded at the end of every game to the player who finished with the most profit (winnings minus buy-ins).
• This is not negotiable. You win, you wear.
• If for whatever reason you have so many chips and you have to leave early, that is your number. It hasn't happened yet, but in theory you could leave early and your chip count could make you the winner.

Belt Transfer Rules:

The belt MUST be physically presented to the winner before or at the next event.
If the previous champion doesn’t attend, they MUST deliver the belt in advance:
Drop it off.
Have someone else bring it.
Hire a singing telegram.
Get it into an Uber, Lift, Taxi, whatever
Just get it there. No excuses. No holding the belt hostage.

Belt Hoarding:

Failing to hand over the belt is considered both a crime against poker and friendship.
You will be mocked relentlessly until you comply.
Repeat offenders may find themselves paying their big blind in shame coins.

Bonus Fun:

Presentation of the belt must be ceremonial – applause, fake speeches, and over-the-top celebrations encouraged.
Photos with the belt? Required. (Remember: history favours the bold.)

Remember:

It’s poker. Play hard, laugh harder, and don’t take it too seriously… UNLESS YOU'RE HOLDING ACES.